Nefarious Reviews 20 – Ghoulies

Ahhh, memories. Memories have that uncanny ability to paint a past experience with the brush strokes of our choosing. If we subconsciously choose to remember something fondly it will appear in our mind’s eye as a warm and golden dream. Along that same line, if we choose to remember something negatively it will plague our recollection as a vicious nightmare. In reality, sometimes our memories do us a disservice by making Titans out of toy soldiers, or graves out of grass divots. In the case of the 1985 creature feature, Ghoulies, my memories and I need to sit down and have a serious talk. 

Ghoulies is the tale of Jonathan Graves (Peter Liapis) and his girlfriend, Rebecca (Lisa Pelikan). Knowing nothing about his parents, Jonathan inherits a sizable mansion and estate upon the passing of his dear old dad, Malcolm Graves (Michael Des Barres). Though the dilapidated mansion leaves much to be desired, Jonathan convinces Rebecca that it will be the perfect place to form a family once the necessary improvements have been made. That, and the fact that the mansion just may reveal a little bit of information about his mysteriously absent parents. It isn’t long before Jonathan begins to be affected by malevolent forces that inhabit his new abode.

Ghoulies was created by Empire Pictures, a precursor company to Full Moon Pictures, the B-movie factory helmed by Charles Band (Puppet Master, Demonic Toys, Subspecies, etc). It is said that Ghoulies was originally called Beasties, and was supposed to be directed by Band himself with the creature effects to be done by the legendary Stan Winston (Aliens, Predator, etc.). Instead, Ghoulies was directed by Luca Bercovici (The Granny, Rockula), and the creature effects were handled by John Carl Buechler (Director of The Dungeon Master). This is a prime example of second guessing yourself coming back to bite you in the ass. My brain aches with wondering what Ghoulies could have, and would have been. Now back to what Ghoulies actually is. This flick was one of those memories that was built up in my head as a classic. For some reason I remember loving this movie. Maybe because I was 9 years old when I saw it. I really can’t say. What I can say is that upon revisiting it 25 years later, I wanted to take my memories, and if they had asses, I would kick every last one of them.

For starters, the role of the ghoulies in a movie titled Ghoulies, was extremely brief and downplayed to mere gag scenes and background filler. The story played out like a Grimm Fairytale with males replacing the roles of princess and evil stepmother. Add in the appearance of two little people dressed as a cross between Flash Gordon and a Renaissance Faire, wooden acting, and equally lifeless dialogue. The only two redeeming factors that I can see with Ghoulies are the fact that the actual ghoulies are pretty cool little puppet designs, and Marishka Hargitay (Law and Order) makes her film debut. As a whole, Ghoulies was a pretty big disappointment, but if I had to play the optimist, I’d say that I’ve wasted 81 minutes in much worse ways. But now that I’ve crossed that bridge of 25 year old recollections, I wish that I would have left this flick as a memory.

Rating: 

Nefarious Reviews 18 – The Gate

There’s something about the movies of the 80’s that, for some odd reason, seems to have gotten lost over the next two decades or so. For me, that “something” is that theme of the dark world that lies just beyond the veil. A world filled with unimaginable terrors that try endlessly to tear into our realm. Now don’t get me wrong, we’ve got our Harry Potter and his magical world of wonder, but even eight films deep, that still doesn’t compare to the multitude of 80’s flicks that create other worlds just beyond ours. Which brings me to today’s subject of ravenous reviewing, The Gate (1986).

The Gate starts off with prepubescent Glen (Steven Dorff. You know, Deacan Frost from the first Blade flick), and his best buddy, Terry (Louis Tripp), who comes off as the 80’s precursor to a heavy metal McLovin. These two not-so-Hardy Boys end up screwing around with a giant hole in Glen’s backyard only to discover a basketball sized geode. Innocently enough, they take the geode up to Glen’s bedroom hoping to cash in on the semi-precious gems inside of it. Low and behold, after Terry does his best gold miner impression on it, the geode cracks open to reveal a dazzling light show that would make a Blue Oyster Cult concert jealous. And what 80’s flick would be complete if the opening of that alien geode didn’t scrawl some demonic incantations on some transfer paper that just happened to be nearby? Next thing we know, Glen reads the incantations out loud and all hell literally breaks loose.

I gotta say, for a budget flick from the 80’s, The Gate is a pretty damn decent roller coaster ride. You’ve got a house that looks like someone ate a plate of pastel colors and vomited all over the decor. You’ve got teenagers dressed in gear that would make Cindy Lauper proud. You’ve got heavy metal records played backwards to reveal hidden, life saving incantations. And to top it all off, the creature effects, namely the homunculi, were leagues beyond those of the movie Subspecies, and that shit was made in 1991. All in all, I’d recommend The Gate to anyone that wants to relive that childhood wonder that something evil awaits us just at the edge of our world.

Rating: 

Nefarious Reviews 17 – 5ive Girls

With a title like 5ive Girls it’s understandably easy to create assumptions. Disturbing images of the infamous internet video about some girls and a cup spring to mind. I sincerely think that the makers of this film might have made this connection, hence, the cover art of a huge pentagram of candles surrounding the image of a demonic face. My heart went out to the graphic artists. You could almost hear them thinking “Okay, that doesn’t look anything like a skin flick, does it?”. And to make good and certain that there would be no visual connection to an internet meme of women eating dookie pie, the makers of 5ive Girls opted to style their title as something akin to the Brad Pitt sensation 7even. Well, hats off to ’em, I think they did a hell of a job with what they had to work with.

5ive Girls is the tale of Alex (Jennifer Miller), a supposed bad seed that is abandoned by her father to…wait for it…a Catholic school for girls, to correct her corrupted ways (if the makers of this movie didn’t want you to think this was a skin flick, they’re off to a horrible start). Alex is introduced to Father Drake (Ron Pearlman of Hellboy fame) and four other ‘bad girls’ that are in need of a godly ass spankin’. Alex soon becomes aware of the school’s nefarious past and the demonic entity that dwells within it’s shadowed halls.

All in all, 5ive Girls wasn’t half bad. I seriously had no hope for this flick when I first popped in the DVD. Still, I have no idea how they managed to cast Ron Pearlman on such a tight budget, who knows, maybe the guy has a penchant for Catholic school girls. I will say this though, the 5 girls took a while to settle into their characters and settle down their overacting, but when they did, the movie started looking less and less like a horror skin flick and more and more like what it was intended to be. Guys will love the fact that 5ive Girls is chalk full of chicks in Catholic school girl outfits, spanking, and a few boob scenes. But overall the movie falls short. I think they tried to tackle something way beyond themselves in making the demonic entity ‘Legion’. Yep, you got it, the same ‘Legion’ in the bible that supposedly fucks with Jesus.

5ive Girls is a great example of too many ideas in one pot that just don’t mesh. They try to tackle way too many issues in one sitting. Problem children, neglectful parents that abandon them to religious institutions to solve all of their problems, teen suicide attempts, lesbianism, and crisis of faith. That’s almost too much to type in one sentence let alone cover in a standard horror flick. On top of that, the actors needed more time rehearsing their lines so they wouldn’t have come off so rushed. Obviously, Ron Pearlman’s performance was solid, but the guy is a seasoned actor. I think the makers of 5ive Girls spent too much time trying to up their budget to land Pearlman and completely forgot about special effects. Special effects should never be an after thought in a horror film and CGI definitely does not make up for poor planning. Still though, I’d give this movie a nod for hardcore fans that enjoy some visual stimulation, boobies, and demons that talk shit about the “J-man”. I’ve seen worse…much, much worse.

Rating:

Nefarious Reviews 13 – 976-EVIL

Ahhh…my 13th review. People have dreaded the number 13 for centuries. They call the fear of the number 13 triskaidekaphobia. Superstitious people avoid buying houses with the number 13 in the address. Some people avoid the 13th seat at the movie theater. Buildings were built labeling the 13th floor as the 14th so as to avoid the building being cursed. Well, I on the other hand, happen to love the number thirteen. I even got married on Friday the 13th, June, 2008. My Anniversary is this Sunday as a matter of fact, and what better way to begin the celebration than to have Nick Nefarious’ 13th review with the number thirteen written 13 times in this paragraph (you math Nazis can include the Greek translation of the number as you fact check me)? I had to choose something perfect for the occasion, something that just screams the number 13. That’s why I selected the 1988 cult classic, 976-EVIL.

In the 80’s Satan-a-thon, 976-EVIL, wife-beater wearing bad ass, Spike (Patrick O’Bryan), discovers a 976 HORRORSCOPE hotline that mysteriously guides him toward his every desire, no matter what the consequence. But the party doesn’t really start to heat up until Spike’s stereotypically geeky little punching-bag of a cousin, Hoax (Stephen Geoffreys), discovers the 976 number and takes it farther than anyone could ever imagine.

976-EVIL is the celluloid embodiment of the 80’s. You couldn’t get more 80’s if you chewed up David Hasslehoff and shit out A Flock of Seagulls. It’s got a protagonist named Spike, an Argyle sweater-wearing geek, a shit-talking antagonist with a dyed skunk stripe in his head, and that isn’t the half. This flick is filled with more pentagrams than a Slayer concert, more 666’s than Hell’s area codes, and more 13’s than the first paragraph of this review. I love it. Plus, Stephen Geoffreys (that annoying little bastard, ‘Evil’ Ed Thompson, from Fright Night) can actually pull off creepy when the script is done right. An added bonus is the appearance of Richard Picardo (Eddie Quist, the werewolf from The Howling). And to top it all off, 976-EVIL is directed by fucking Robert “Freddy Krueger” Englund himself and is chalk full of his signature one-liner dialogue.

I recommend 976-EVIL not only as a horror flick, but as an awesome blast to the past that doesn’t involve Michael J. Fox’s 30 year old, disturbingly prepubescent looking face.

Rating:

Nefarious Reviews 7 – Legion

I have my own personal spiritual beliefs. I never force my beliefs on others, I rarely even discuss them, and I don’t subscribe to any of the “usual suspects” within the religious realm. That being said, I absolutely hate it when some arrogant individual attempts to bludgeon me with their religious outlook. I avoid these people like they have a bad case of herpes with a side of leprosy. But just like an annoying zit, they seem to pop up in your face when you least expect it. Hence, Legion.

In this half witted romp of religious propaganda, God is tired of man’s shit and basically contracts a hit on the whole of mankind. You would think that God would hire ol’ Lucifer and his boys to do the job. Nope. For some reason that we will never know, God sends his good little angels (that act strangely like demons) to wipe us all out, and all but the Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) is on board.

But wait…there’s more. Some random girl named Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) is pregnant with the second coming of Christ, and together with the guy that pines for her, Jeep Hansen (Lucas Black), they are the modern day Mary and Joseph. Legion isn’t even imaginative about it’s proselytizing. Come on, an angel breaks through a wall for no apparent reason, only to leave a burning hole in the shape of a cross. Yeah, subtle.

Even with a budget that blows away many of the movies I review, Legion is by far one of the worst movies of the decade. 80% of the cast’s acting is wooden, the special effects are freshman CGI attempts, and the blatant preaching is redundant and uninteresting. If I wanted to be bored by a 10 minute sales pitch on anti-abortion views I’d go to church and sit next to Sarah Palin. At least then I would know why they dumb down the material.

Legion is pathetic. Everything about it is an insult to the viewer’s intelligence. The end of the world is coming and the only thing to show for it is a two minute plague of locusts. No rivers of blood, no walking dead, no horsemen, nadda. And the icing on the crap-flavored cake; the angel Gabriel has bulletproof wings and sports a fucking war mace that mechanically spins like something out of a Marvel comic book. Come on Christians, it’s your story, get it right.

Rating: ZERO MUMMIES!

Nefarious Reviews 6 – The Devil’s Tomb

I once heard a very sad quote about the horror genre in regard to actors: “Actors in horror films are either on their way in to the movie business, or on their way out”. Well, for Cuba Gooding Jr, if this quote rings true, then he is definitely washing out quicker than blood on a plastic tarp. I for one don’t consider that a bad thing. I would much rather be paid less doing horror movies that I enjoy than to be paid a shitload of money doing snore-fests like Jerry McGuire and Pearl Harbor.

I will make no bones about it, The Devil’s Tomb is a B-flick, but with a cast that boasts actors like Cuba Gooding Jr (Jerry McGuire), Ron Pearlman (Hellboy), Bill Moseley (Otis from The Devil’s Rejects), Jason London (Pink from Dazed and Confused), and Henry Rollins (from the punk band Black Flag), how can one resist having a look-see?

The Devil’s Tomb has an extremely simple plot. An elite team of special forces soldiers is sent in to a top secret archeological site in the Middle East. Their objective is to retrieve one lone scientist (Pearlman), disturb nothing, and return to the extraction point. Easy enough, right? Wrong! Lucky for us (the viewers), there is an ancient evil down there just waiting to fuck up the soldiers’ day.

I have to admit, I’m demonically possessed by the topic of the ancient biblical evil buried in the Middle East. I loved it’s head-spinning, crucifix-fucking, pea-soup vomiting repugnance in the Exorcist, and I love it now. Without giving away as to what exactly that evil in The Devil’s Tomb really is (no, it’s not the devil himself), I will only say that Stephen Spielberg touched on the subject in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

All in all, I have to say that I enjoyed The Devil’s Tomb. Yes Cuba Gooding Jr. over-enunciates his lines. Yes Ron Pearlman and Bill Moseley should have had bigger roles. Yes Henry Rollins’ acting ability is abysmal and he should just stay behind a microphone and not in front of a movie camera. Yes there is a back story that only kind of has anything to do with the overall story, but the concept has promise. There are some scenes with a genuine creep factor. Aside from Rollins, the actors are killer, and the gore is disgustingly comedic in some scenes, and highly entertaining. I like Cuba Gooding Jr. I certainly hope his career isn’t over and I hope he continues to make horror flicks that get better and better. The Devil’s Tomb is definitely a good start.

Rating: